A confession part 1

I suggest you grab your self some biscuit, drinks and also a smoke or two if you are going to be reading this till the end.

Also, Ressurection Fern by Iron & Wine and Deeper Conversation by Yuna would be nice if you have on your laptop right now.

Russell Raines

I have been thinking about my story. My life. I have made up no conclusions or findings in my journey. I have not understand anything and will not pretend to in this post. I have hitting some hard times right now in my life. Someone that I have been with on and off for the last 3 years has decided to go behind my back to marry a gwailoh. No offence to my ‘mat salleh’ friends but that was a blow I can’t take. At the same time I decided to move on I met up with some old high school history and I realized that I never should have made my mistake so many years ago. Our story can no longer move forward due to the difference of religion. To be honest maybe it was all for the best because I don’t wanna end things with my girlfriend of three years.

Cassie and Me

Some women I have met was only there for the fun times but I don’t blame them, I should have the same mindset since we are all at the same age. The person I would be blaming is myself for letting them in. I still have feelings for Cassie but I have decided not to see her. I just can’t take the heartache.

Call me a jerk but since last year I was keeping in contact with a girl that I was interested in. I found her to be smart, interesting and fulfills all my needs. A year later, I find out that she is not really the same person that I came to know for the pass year. We had our moments. I appreciated her but I just wished that she would make better choices in life. I know, I always make the bad choices too.

I know that I have friends and few that I consider family. I have come to know some stellar characters and some shitty ones. I have friends who has always been in my best interest and help me. I never found a way to show them how much they are a very big part of my life and I love them so much.

Charlene The Osom and Me

As I make this journey thru life, I have come to meet all of you and you have all let me into your heart without expecting much. I apologise for the times that I have that I have been rude or doubted you. You all know that most of the time I need to be reminded which way is up. I have to say to the few who knows that I’m referring to them, you have always been there, I wish I can be there for you guys.

Calista, Julian, Me and Jovanny

Raimi, Shannon, Me, Jayeson and Emmanuel

Me and Amy

Those who has supported me by giving me opportunities in life. I have to thank you for having faith in me even when I doubt myself.

To my friends who are only there for a short period I hope that I have left a good mark in your life no matter what happened between us.

To those who I consider family, I sorry for being such a lousy friend. There are things I wish I can do to change myself but it seems that the body is not willing.

Undress Beside The Ashes of the Fire

 

Hardly Smiling

5 more days to my psych appointment. Haha, yes I’m mental but going to go get help for it. So that should count as a step in the right direction, right? Been slipping off my rocker lately. It’s odd, I honestly haven’t had a good night’s sleep for awhile now. It’s been a quick hour or so nap followed by me opening my eyes wide awake then closing it again. It sounds so cliched but I’m missing you. The kind of yearning that most malay people would describe by saying ‘makan tak lalu, tidur tak lena – mandi tak basah’. 

You’ve been appearing in my dreams too. Ames said that my dreams are reflecting on the things or ways how I want my life to be. She makes sense right there, before this it has been all the boring dreams that hardly makes me think about it after waking up. Oh and I have a remedy for people who find themselves to have a hard time sleeping. I have remedied my sleeping problems by having lullabies played at a pretty low volume. Thanks to this I have manage to get somewhat of a way to induce sleeping on myself. My recommendation for the music? Iron & Wine’s Resurrection Fern. 

I really urge you guys to look this up (Thanks Tina for exposing this song). Though this particular song by them carries a message of sadness and melancoly and describes the lost of something. I can relate with what I’m growing thru with C’s story.

I’m trying hard as fuck to get on and move on. But as of this point in time, I have understood that I can’t and I don’t want to. I just hope you’re there thinking of me in passing at least.